You are Amazing, Don’t You Know?

Thinking back to many, many yesterdays ago, and the dreams, goals, and visions I had for my life after high school–all of which involved writing in some capacity. Journalist? Author? English teacher? Or all of them. Or any combination of them.

Spoiler alert: nothing went as planned. 

And that’s OK.

There were other lessons and things I needed to experience first. Being honest with myself, I’ve never really fit into the traditional boxes of society. I don’t like being categorized or pressured to maintain the status quo. Try telling me what to do and you’ll find me doing the exact opposite, even if it ends up self-defeating.

Because I did not fit within those boxes, it seemed like everything I did was wrong. That led to the creation of an internal environment in which I was sure, without a doubt, that I was irreparably broken. Undeserving. Unworthy. Incapable. I ostracized myself. Convinced that there was no place for me within the well-defined lines of society.

Yet, for years upon years, I did my best outwardly trying to force myself to tow that very line.

But inside, I was busy telling myself all the wrong things from a place of self-despise: You can’t do that. You don’t deserve that. You’re not smart enough for that. You’re a failure. You’re a waste. You’re bad at everything. With each mental repetition I believed them more and more until eventually, I wouldn’t even question someone else saying these things to me because I’d already accepted them as absolute truths about myself.

But they weren’t absolute truths. They were never even truths at all.

I’m sharing this because it’s part of my journey. A journey that has no tangible destination and will continue until my very last breath. And the most important lesson I’ve learned so far is that trying to force yourself to be someone you aren’t leads to eternal misery and self-despise. It will undermine every good thing you ever try to do. It will leave you heartbroken and lying on the floor in a puddle of tears with a tangled mess of emotions devouring your soul—grasping, clawing, and screaming for a way out.

I’ll tell you, for me, that way out was to simply stop.

Stop trying to conform to the perceived norms of society. Stop trying to please everyone around me. Stop giving beyond my own reserves. Stop treating myself like crap. Because I’m not broken. Because I am deserving. Because I am worthy. Because I am capable.

Tell yourself the good things. Embrace your thoughts, and your feelings, and your opinions. Embrace the things that bring you joy, and if you can’t remember what they are, find them again. Embrace the gifts you’ve spent so long convincing yourself didn’t exist.

It won’t happen overnight, and it will take work, and maybe you’ll stumble here and there or you’ll need some help along the way. That’s OK.

Just take it one step at a time. Find you. Believe in you. Love you. And suddenly the day will come when you’ll see how absolutely amazing you can be.

Best to all,